I Wish I was Not a Girl

Posted to Sister Zeph’s Journal

By Sister Zeph

On 23 June, 2014

When I born that was a dark day in my family, It was a start of being in hell for my mother, she bought clothes for a baby boy , she belonged to poor family and could not bring enough dowry with her, so she had been ill treated at her in-laws, she thought after giving birth to a baby boy she will get respect by my father, but on my birth her all dreams broke, instead of getting love she was beaten after next moment of my birth, she cried so much and she thought, I was a bad sign for her future. She prayed for me to die, but soon I got place in her heart, she had been giving me water instead of milk in my feeder, because she was not allowed to do work and did not have own income and my father was a drug addicted. But my mother gave me love, I got protection in her lap, I got care in her arms, she kept hungry for days but provided me food. She was my only friend in the world, she was my only hope, and she was everything to me. Then one day everything was finished I suddenly came to know that my mother had cancer. I was ten years old at that time, we forgot to smile, I knew she will die soon but prayed to God day and night for her life , my father my uncles, no body needed of her, so no one brought her to the Doctor, she was dying day by day, she was losing her weight, she was getting tired, she got so much wrinkle on her face very fast, we both were used to cry in nights, but we never let each other felt that we were crying for each other, because both of us knew what was going to happen and I saw my mother dying little by little every day and one day were there was nothing left in her body even her soul left her alone, my father buried her in a grave and I was left alone. Then I was brought to my uncle’s home where I worked like a maid, and one night when younger sister of my aunty dead I was left alone at my home so my uncle brought me in a room and he raped me all night, it was so painful. He took all my clothes off, I wanted to cry but he put his hand in front of my mouth, I was breathless, I got fainted. I do not know what else he did with me in that condition, he thought that I was dead so he threw me far from his home, when I woke up I was on garbage I did not know which place was that, I was bleeding so much there were little cuts of tooth on my body I was just 11 at that time. I cried a lot with pain and helplessness I was looking for someone my own, but my mother was dead I was all alone. But then a man came, he cleaned my wounds he brought me to his home, his wife and he took good care me, they gave me good food and cloths and place to live in , I was so much scared, I did not want to trust anybody , but there was no option , soon their children became my friends , there were no wounds on my body now, for the first time in my life , I ate enough food, I wore new cloths and I slept on a comfortable place. But it was just a dream, when I was 13 one day a man came to that home he gave so much money to my guardian and I was told that from now I will have to obey that new man and left with him . Since date day every night I have to live with a different man, I have no home , no family , there is no one who love me , there is no one who care for me , there is no one who respect me, there is no one who protects me, there is no one who want to be my relative. I was alone, I am alone and I will be alone, because I am a girl, I wish I was not a girl


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